Now For Some Good News Today

Ok, now for some good news.
It’s the little things these days, which bring me joy.

This time last year, along with the tight pants I had a shirt issue as well.
When I looked down I had gap disease. You know the “pucker” effect that a tight shirt will produce around the buttons? Where there just isn’t enough material to line up the button rows. Large breastses and moobies will cause that same problem. Well, I was infected with it. My shirts were eat up with button strain.

My belly was at maximum expansion in some of my shirts and the pressures on some of my buttons had reached critical mass. I even had to take out extra Ralphie Insurance just in-case a button fired off and shot someone’s eye out. Breathing deep might have caused a rapid fire burst sending buttons down range to do major damage.

However, today, I noticed that not only do my buttons now line-up, but there is breathing room inside the shirt. In fact, the shirts now fit loosely around my belly. I noticed my moobs are on the decline as well. My shirt pockets no longer arrive in a room five minutes before the hip pockets. And, an added plus is that I can no longer pass the pencil test. (meaning my moobies no longer sag and hang over my belly)

It’s the little things that keep me going, and today it was startling to realize that my shirts actually have breathing room… you know…. while I am wearing them!

We now return you to your previously scheduled surfing.

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Ramble On…

Last night I had two Poblamo peppers (out of the garden) stuffed with three cheeses. Cheddar, White cheese sauce and Pepper Jack… enough heat to get my nose to running. (of course lunch was sushi and wasabi mmmm, the wasabi and ginger brought tears to my eyes… it was soooo good) So, the peppers were merely to bookend an already spicy day.

Now, I thought that maybe being able to step out of the 44’s from the other night might have been wishful thinking on my part… Au contraire, mon frère.  Yesterday afternoon I wanted to install an odometer on my bike but I was feeling lazy so I just threw on a pair of shorts without a belt. They are 46s and I wrestled with them all afternoon trying to keep them “up.”

(stay with me and I’ll tie those two random stories together)

So, all afternoon I had been wrestling with my pants because I was too lazy to get a belt and put it on.  After much gyrating and “hiking” my shorts into position, I finally finished the odometer installation.  A little later, I felt a twinge of hunger so  I began fixing my dinner.   Preparing dinner was a “Keystone Cops” process last night as I waddled back and forth between the computer and the oven, checking the time and the condition of the peppers and surfing the interwebz.   I alternately looked  like a hip-hop, saggy-pants, gangsta’ and “Dorf on Cooking.” I swear, one time I even looked like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins during the penguin scene.

Anyway, the peppers were finally done and I sat down to eat.  Yes, they were very good!  I “can” cook when I take a mind to. Afterwards, I cleared the table and put everything away in the sink. My nose was running just a little from the heat of the meal so I grabbed a paper towel and stepped into the utility room to blow my nose. I reached up with both hands and trumpeted a hearty Bb.

When I did…

…my (46) shorts fell straight down and landed on my feet around my ankles. Very glad I didn’t go blow my nose in the living room!   So, there I was, with my pants on the floor …but my sinuses were clear.

Sometimes I crack myself up!
There’s no real moral to the story… I really just wanted to brag on my disappearing waistline. 🙂

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Further Adventures in the Land of Ceramic Tile

Again if your sensibilities are easily offended then you may pass on this one.

 

You have been warned.

 

 

 

So it began:

 

Got up this am and took my shower, and there were no problems with the shampoo bottle or anything this morning.  Dressed and went to church.  After church we went out to eat.  Since I missed breakfast before church, due to taking a shower,  We had brunch at Golden Corral.  Loaded up on proteins and had a few carbs (should have skipped the carbs altogether but oh well.)  The highlight of breakfast was the elixir of life, that warm, brown/black, life-giving substance commonly referred to as “Coffee.”    I wanted the waiter to leave the pot but alas, to no avail.

 

After Brunch we went to the movies.  Despicable Me 2 was today’s entertainment du jour.

Upon arriving my bladder signaled the brain that it was time to pay the rent on the coffee consumed earlier.  The brain acknowledged the bladder signal and directed the legs to the nearest public facilities for relief.

 

As the legs brought the body nearer to its destination hanging on the wall, the brain lines the body up to execute the now, more urgent evacuation.  All hands were on deck busy with the mission of bladder relief and assisting in freeing the evacuation unit.  The outer layers were successfully breached with only the inner layer left.  This is where things began to go wrong.

 

The bladder has now signaled it is at DEFCON 3 and is declaring an emergency evacuation while the hands are feverishly searching for the opening that will release the emergency flow device.  They search left, they feel around to the right, all to no avail.  The opening is not to be found.  The brain is in a frenzy to answer the bladder’s now insistent calls for evacuation.  The brain even began searching archives for secret passwords that open magically hidden doors.  The Doors to Moria came to mind….

What was the riddle?

“…speak friend and enter”  or in this case “exit.”

“Ok, Friend where are you?  Oh F-r-i-e-n-d?

Wait what is the Elvish word for friend…. Oh yeah…. “Bel-ach”

The bladder is going to DEFCON 4 and we are in a full blown crisis!

How about, “Open Sesame”?  No?

“Open Sez me?” No?

 

Slowly a thought germinates in the back of my mind.  Growing quickly it blossoms into an idea!

Could it be?

Could it be that simple?

 

The hands stop their frantic searching and swiftly move to the waistband.  Upon arriving they hook the waistband and pull it forward.

There it was.

Before me I saw the Fruit of the Loom guys looking up at me with tears of laughter streaming down their collective faces.  My underwear was on backwards!

 

The day was saved, the bladder crisis was averted and the face began to tense up as it always does just before a smile breaks out and covers my features.

 

Sometimes I crack myself up.  *Snicker

 

On the way out the door I heard the rumbling of someone starting a Harley in one of the stalls down the way and thought to myself, “Merlin’s beard! …”

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Adventures in the Land of Ceramic Tile

Ok, if your sensibilities are easily offended, if you can’t handle too much information, then move along. This will be your only warning!

You have been warned!

There is something about the ceramic tiles in a shower area that give a special resonance to sound in there. Now, couple that with a warped sense of humor and the results are … well, here’s what happened:

Tonight after my workout at the “Y” I did my usual 10-12 minutes in the steam room just to iron out the wrinkles. Along with those wrinkles there has been an increase in watching my diet, which helps with the over-all reason I am working out at the “Y” and that is to lose weight and get in shape. I have been watching my calorie intake and trying to eat healthy: Fruits, grains, fiber, nuts, proteins and cutting back on the carbs. You’ll notice I mentioned “fiber.” Maybe I had a little extra fiber today which would account for what happened.

After the steam room it’s part of my routine to take a shower. So I shuffle into the shower stall and get started. Everything is going well until I drop my shampoo bottle. As I bend over to retrieve the shampoo… there is a rumbling, a disturbance in the force, which erupts with the sound of a thousand throaty Harley-Davidsons. The resonance effect in the shower area acts as an echo chamber, which serves to amplify the event. It went on for what seemed to be several minutes. When the last roll of thunder finally died away the room became silent.

I listened.

And I waited…

only to realize,

I…

was…

a-lone.

Standing there with the water running over me and shampoo slowly making its way over my wrinkled brow to pour into my eyes, the thought popped in my head, “All that …for nothing.” I was disappointed that no one was there to share such an Epic event with. No snickers, no guffaws, not even an O-M-g. Then it came to me in a flash. A grin began to form at the corner of my mouth and quickly spread over my face as I said to myself,

“Merlin’s Beard! As I live and breathe, it’s Hairy Pharter!”

Sometimes I crack myself up! Bwahahahahahahaahahahahaha!

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The IFB Follies

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Marjoe #2

This one by far describes American Churchianity across all denominational lines… especially here in the south.

Pay special attention to the crew instructions beginning at 6:50.

Check out the shout out to    Hyles Help for Halitosis      at 8:58

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Hardcore Evangelism: Get your numbers up!

Want to increase your evangelism effectiveness?

 

Want to see an increase in the number of decisions you get each week?

 

Have we got a Program for you!

 

A Program for those who are serious about growing their church!

 …and don’t forget your breathmints…

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Your Favorite Fighting Fundy, Billy Sunday as: The Black Knight ..or Elmer Gantry

Humm sounds vaguely familiar....

From the Land of Fundyism

Let’s quit fiddling with religion and do something to bring the world to Christ.

If you want to drive the devil out of the world, hit him with a cradle instead of a crutch.

I’m against sin.

I’ll kick it as long as I’ve got a foot, and I’ll fight it as long as I’ve got a fist.

I’ll butt it as long as I’ve got a head. I’ll bite it as long as I’ve got a tooth.

And when I’m old and fistless and footless and toothless, I’ll gum it till I go home to Glory and it goes home to perdition!”

Billy Sunday

“Go Git’em Billy!”

 

 

Elmer Gantry taken straight out of Billy’s playbook.

 Here’s the original! (begins @ 1:04)

Personally I thought Burt Lancaster did it better.

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Back to Finney: The question was….

Has anyone viewed the alter call as a typical cult trick?

What other “traditional” IFB routines are really mind/emotional control tactics?

Some of the answer is:

Altar calls are a modern manipulation started by Charles Finney in order to be able to make a head count so he would know how effective his manipulative techniques were. There is no “Altar” in a New Testament Church building. The Altar was where either an animal sacrifice was made or inscense was burned. There were no “Altar” calls practiced in the New Testiment Church until Finney started it. Finney did it solely to be able to get a head count of the “decisions” he had successfully brought about.
It has gotten harder to get people down to the “altar” so now all people are asked to do is raise their hands.

As for other mind control tricks, there is the whole range of rhetoric and falacious arguments from the pulpit, Ad Hominem, strawman arguments (here’s a list: http://www.don-lindsay-archive.org/skeptic/arguments.html#hominem ) most pastors are either religious Sophists or ignorant and unlearned men glorying in their ignorance and lack of education.

One of my favorite tricks is the pregnant pause…… and if the “preacher” does not get an immediate “Amen” or “Preach it Brother” then he will ask for one. And if he’s not getting enough “Amens” or “PIB’s” He will inject his own either with a “Amen?” or a “Now that’ll preach…” or “I don’t care if I am preaching, that deserves an ‘amen’!” These are subtle ways the “preacher” lets “his” congregation know that they need to appreciate his preaching more.

There is always the Immaculate Message announcement as the “self-anointed man of god” mounts the pulpit and stands behind the “sacred desk” and tells what an awful time he has had getting peace about what to preach, when all of a sudden that beautiful song by Sister Peaches Spandexburst  touched his heart and the Holy Spirit gave him the message. This sets up his message as god-breathed and prepares the audience to accept eveything he is about to say is infallable and directly from the throne of god. (kool-aide line forms on the right, bro Jim Jones will be serving today)

Can anyone think of some others?

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“Hyles helps halt halitosis from hindering hope for hundreds headed for hell” …anyone have a breath mint?

In John R.Rice’s  pamplet, “Personal Soul Winning,”  he gives a shout out to Jack Hyles’ pamplet,

“HOW TO BOOST YOUR CHURCH ATTENDANCE.

In it there is a passage:

“If a person is going to be a soul winner he must not be offensive to the people with whom he talks. It is a definite asset for a soul winner to be careful to bathe often, to avoid body odor. Teeth should be brushed, and breath should be tested. Carry mints in your pockets or some good flavored chewing gum which will help keep the breath from being offensive. One of the most damaging things in soul winning is the effect of halitosis. By all means, a soul winner should watch this carefully.”

“Bring out the Holy Breath Tester!”
“Haaa…“
“Thy breath be minty fresh go thou and winneth souls”… “Next!”
“Haaaa……“
“Thy breath be most foul and couldst knock a buzzard off a week old corpse at 50 paces. Go thou immediately and brushest thy teeth seven times. Rinse thy mouth with ListerScopetamint after each brushing. Then return here and present your breath for the administering of the Holy breath spray. Then, if thy breath be clean, thou mayest be counted worthy to go forth and winneth souls.”

And here all this time I thought it was the drawing of the Holy Spirit by the hearing of the word of God that sinners came to salvation by Grace through faith.  I had no idea that it was the minty fresh breath of the soulwinner that made the difference.

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