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Ever have an epiphany?
I just did, I had a freaking crap storm of them.
It just dawned on me that in my youth I never expected to live to see my 35th Birthday so I never planned on anything after that. Nothing.
Zip, ziltch, nada.
No financial plan, no career plan, no retirement plan. Just work until I die… so, according to my original calculations I should have not made it to 35. Then my adjusted calculations said I’d never make 45 since my dad died at 44. Yeah, that came and went as well. The final calculations begin this year when I hit 54, the same as as my Grandfather when he died. (and please, nobody give me the whole “it’s in God’s hands” spiel. I know it as well as anyone because I’m still freaking here)
Yep, here I am. Here I am…indeed.
Funny how life doesn’t go according to plan eh?
Epiphany #2 is this: If things are never going to change.. why waste the effort in attempting to make a change? (and please spare me the the self-help, self actualizing crap about, “Only YOU can prevent forest fires” philosophy. Nope, don’t believe that any longer either.)
Time is not on my side, there is more behind me now than there is in front of me, and all the best is in the rear view. There may be some good days here and there in what’s ahead but, it will be neither quantity nor quality and that’s just the facts. That’s not pity talking, it is reality. And that was Epiphany #3.

So, here’s to the days ahead. I know not what they bring. I’ll face them one at a time, and make the most of what is left, with what I have left. A job (yeah ,yeah, yeah… I’m thankful for it… but I hate it) that sucks the joy out of me. A neglected body that will probably never recover from the damage done to this point. And an attitude (and PLEASE don’t lecture me about attitude and how I can change it! I’ve lived with it this long so I’m f-ing comfortable with it.) I tried to reprogram for the past four years and I’m just tired of trying. Life’s too short to eat crab legs… too much effort and not enough reward. Just do what is comfortable and hope for the best.

And that’s it for now.  I’m just weary, bone freaking weary.

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Again if your sensibilities are easily offended then you may pass on this one.

 

You have been warned.

 

 

 

So it began:

 

Got up this am and took my shower, and there were no problems with the shampoo bottle or anything this morning.  Dressed and went to church.  After church we went out to eat.  Since I missed breakfast before church, due to taking a shower,  We had brunch at Golden Corral.  Loaded up on proteins and had a few carbs (should have skipped the carbs altogether but oh well.)  The highlight of breakfast was the elixir of life, that warm, brown/black, life-giving substance commonly referred to as “Coffee.”    I wanted the waiter to leave the pot but alas, to no avail.

 

After Brunch we went to the movies.  Despicable Me 2 was today’s entertainment du jour.

Upon arriving my bladder signaled the brain that it was time to pay the rent on the coffee consumed earlier.  The brain acknowledged the bladder signal and directed the legs to the nearest public facilities for relief.

 

As the legs brought the body nearer to its destination hanging on the wall, the brain lines the body up to execute the now, more urgent evacuation.  All hands were on deck busy with the mission of bladder relief and assisting in freeing the evacuation unit.  The outer layers were successfully breached with only the inner layer left.  This is where things began to go wrong.

 

The bladder has now signaled it is at DEFCON 3 and is declaring an emergency evacuation while the hands are feverishly searching for the opening that will release the emergency flow device.  They search left, they feel around to the right, all to no avail.  The opening is not to be found.  The brain is in a frenzy to answer the bladder’s now insistent calls for evacuation.  The brain even began searching archives for secret passwords that open magically hidden doors.  The Doors to Moria came to mind….

What was the riddle?

“…speak friend and enter”  or in this case “exit.”

“Ok, Friend where are you?  Oh F-r-i-e-n-d?

Wait what is the Elvish word for friend…. Oh yeah…. “Bel-ach”

The bladder is going to DEFCON 4 and we are in a full blown crisis!

How about, “Open Sesame”?  No?

“Open Sez me?” No?

 

Slowly a thought germinates in the back of my mind.  Growing quickly it blossoms into an idea!

Could it be?

Could it be that simple?

 

The hands stop their frantic searching and swiftly move to the waistband.  Upon arriving they hook the waistband and pull it forward.

There it was.

Before me I saw the Fruit of the Loom guys looking up at me with tears of laughter streaming down their collective faces.  My underwear was on backwards!

 

The day was saved, the bladder crisis was averted and the face began to tense up as it always does just before a smile breaks out and covers my features.

 

Sometimes I crack myself up.  *Snicker

 

On the way out the door I heard the rumbling of someone starting a Harley in one of the stalls down the way and thought to myself, “Merlin’s beard! …

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Ok, if your sensibilities are easily offended, if you can’t handle too much information, then move along. This will be your only warning!

You have been warned!

There is something about the ceramic tiles in a shower area that give a special resonance to sound in there. Now, couple that with a warped sense of humor and the results are … well, here’s what happened:

Tonight after my workout at the “Y” I did my usual 10-12 minutes in the steam room just to iron out the wrinkles. Along with those wrinkles there has been an increase in watching my diet, which helps with the over-all reason I am working out at the “Y” and that is to lose weight and get in shape. I have been watching my calorie intake and trying to eat healthy: Fruits, grains, fiber, nuts, proteins and cutting back on the carbs. You’ll notice I mentioned “fiber.” Maybe I had a little extra fiber today which would account for what happened.

After the steam room it’s part of my routine to take a shower. So I shuffle into the shower stall and get started. Everything is going well until I drop my shampoo bottle. As I bend over to retrieve the shampoo… there is a rumbling, a disturbance in the force, which erupts with the sound of a thousand throaty Harley-Davidsons. The resonance effect in the shower area acts as an echo chamber, which serves to amplify the event. It went on for what seemed to be several minutes. When the last roll of thunder finally died away the room became silent.

I listened.

And I waited…

only to realize,

I…

was…

a-lone.

Standing there with the water running over me and shampoo slowly making its way over my wrinkled brow to pour into my eyes, the thought popped in my head, “All that …for nothing.” I was disappointed that no one was there to share such an Epic event with. No snickers, no guffaws, not even an O-M-g. Then it came to me in a flash. A grin began to form at the corner of my mouth and quickly spread over my face as I said to myself,

Merlin’s Beard! As I live and breathe, it’s Hairy Pharter!”

Sometimes I crack myself up! Bwahahahahahahaahahahahaha!

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Ok, with the weather and the time change… neither the Orange Sherbet nor the Lemon-Lime have been able to ride here lately.  So… I found out my company will  reimburse half of the monthly fees for health club/YMCA membership.  The Y has “pay-the-day” joining fee this month so I joined for a dollar today.   Now I hope I have a job long enough for this to matter.

*to bring everyone up to speed.  The Orange and Lemon-Lime Sherbet are my persona on a Bike.  I wear either a day-glo Orange or a day-glo Lemon-Lime shirt when I ride.

Day 1:

Alrighty then… Upon arriving I realize I am out of my league right out of the gate.  I keep telling myself, “Don’t compare yourself to anyone, don’t compare yourself to anyone,” but it is humbling when the Geriatrics are putting me to shame.

Ok so this is how it went down.  I thought I had prepared, bag, change of clothes, towels, clean underwear (the non-holie ones),  shampoo, shower shoes, work out shorts, bottle of water … am I forgetting anything?  Lock, need a lock… I know,  I’ll use one from work. (mistake #1) It did not fit… so after 20 minutes of tossing my work van I found a short, small diameter shanked lock.  Most of my exercise so far was just walking back and forth from the parking lot to locker-room.

Thirty minutes after I arrive, I wander out into the hall.  Picture this.. an old, gray-haired, white Fat Albert (just not as cool) with a pony-tail wandering the halls with an, “uh-huh, yep, that’s right it’s my first time here, yep, uh-huh” look on my face.  My inner self was screaming, “Don’t draw attention to yourself!”  Try to blend in… act nonchalant.   One pass through the exercise area doing a little recon along the way.  Now the brain is starting to have second thoughts.  As I look around it is going, “What the heck is T-h-a-t?  What does that do?  How does that work? And finally, “What is this contraptio… oh, I see… it’s a scale.”

Ok I need to know what my baseline is so I’ll start here.

I step up… “Nothing”

Ok, don’t panic.  There, there’s the on button.  Step off and let it “zero.”

Step up… and…this time it tells me a secret, a very weighty, burdensome secret.

I look up and let out a loud, deep, sigh and  that’s when I notice it.   It may motivate some but it’s the last thing I want or need right now: mirrors.  They’re freaking E-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e!  I’m still not sure how I feel about that image looking back at me.  I try to avoid the guy looking back at me in the mirror, maybe if I ignore him he’ll go away?!

So, baby steps… that’s how I’ll start, baby steps.

In order to avoid the guy in the mirror I skip stretching and loosening up. (mistake #2)  Find something that looks familiar and climb aboard.  Recumbent bikes have come a long way from what I used to know.  I try to look like I know what I’m doing while figuring out how this one works on the fly.  I finally settle in to a routine and the best I can figure I did around 6.5 miles in 30 min.

I’m sweating and sore from not exercising since the time change.  So I call it an evening and head to the sauna.

You know… they are a lot hotter than I remember them also.

So we come to the end of Day 1.

“Baby steps”… that is a massive accomplishment for me.

I leave with a sense of satisfaction.

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T minus 14 years and counting

In the year 2525… I would be in my 60’s… Oy!

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Marjoe dissects the business of Churchianity

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