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Archive for the ‘gobbledygook’ Category

Ever have an epiphany?
I just did, I had a freaking crap storm of them.
It just dawned on me that in my youth I never expected to live to see my 35th Birthday so I never planned on anything after that. Nothing.
Zip, ziltch, nada.
No financial plan, no career plan, no retirement plan. Just work until I die… so, according to my original calculations I should have not made it to 35. Then my adjusted calculations said I’d never make 45 since my dad died at 44. Yeah, that came and went as well. The final calculations begin this year when I hit 54, the same as as my Grandfather when he died. (and please, nobody give me the whole “it’s in God’s hands” spiel. I know it as well as anyone because I’m still freaking here)
Yep, here I am. Here I am…indeed.
Funny how life doesn’t go according to plan eh?
Epiphany #2 is this: If things are never going to change.. why waste the effort in attempting to make a change? (and please spare me the the self-help, self actualizing crap about, “Only YOU can prevent forest fires” philosophy. Nope, don’t believe that any longer either.)
Time is not on my side, there is more behind me now than there is in front of me, and all the best is in the rear view. There may be some good days here and there in what’s ahead but, it will be neither quantity nor quality and that’s just the facts. That’s not pity talking, it is reality. And that was Epiphany #3.

So, here’s to the days ahead. I know not what they bring. I’ll face them one at a time, and make the most of what is left, with what I have left. A job (yeah ,yeah, yeah… I’m thankful for it… but I hate it) that sucks the joy out of me. A neglected body that will probably never recover from the damage done to this point. And an attitude (and PLEASE don’t lecture me about attitude and how I can change it! I’ve lived with it this long so I’m f-ing comfortable with it.) I tried to reprogram for the past four years and I’m just tired of trying. Life’s too short to eat crab legs… too much effort and not enough reward. Just do what is comfortable and hope for the best.

And that’s it for now.  I’m just weary, bone freaking weary.

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Again if your sensibilities are easily offended then you may pass on this one.

 

You have been warned.

 

 

 

So it began:

 

Got up this am and took my shower, and there were no problems with the shampoo bottle or anything this morning.  Dressed and went to church.  After church we went out to eat.  Since I missed breakfast before church, due to taking a shower,  We had brunch at Golden Corral.  Loaded up on proteins and had a few carbs (should have skipped the carbs altogether but oh well.)  The highlight of breakfast was the elixir of life, that warm, brown/black, life-giving substance commonly referred to as “Coffee.”    I wanted the waiter to leave the pot but alas, to no avail.

 

After Brunch we went to the movies.  Despicable Me 2 was today’s entertainment du jour.

Upon arriving my bladder signaled the brain that it was time to pay the rent on the coffee consumed earlier.  The brain acknowledged the bladder signal and directed the legs to the nearest public facilities for relief.

 

As the legs brought the body nearer to its destination hanging on the wall, the brain lines the body up to execute the now, more urgent evacuation.  All hands were on deck busy with the mission of bladder relief and assisting in freeing the evacuation unit.  The outer layers were successfully breached with only the inner layer left.  This is where things began to go wrong.

 

The bladder has now signaled it is at DEFCON 3 and is declaring an emergency evacuation while the hands are feverishly searching for the opening that will release the emergency flow device.  They search left, they feel around to the right, all to no avail.  The opening is not to be found.  The brain is in a frenzy to answer the bladder’s now insistent calls for evacuation.  The brain even began searching archives for secret passwords that open magically hidden doors.  The Doors to Moria came to mind….

What was the riddle?

“…speak friend and enter”  or in this case “exit.”

“Ok, Friend where are you?  Oh F-r-i-e-n-d?

Wait what is the Elvish word for friend…. Oh yeah…. “Bel-ach”

The bladder is going to DEFCON 4 and we are in a full blown crisis!

How about, “Open Sesame”?  No?

“Open Sez me?” No?

 

Slowly a thought germinates in the back of my mind.  Growing quickly it blossoms into an idea!

Could it be?

Could it be that simple?

 

The hands stop their frantic searching and swiftly move to the waistband.  Upon arriving they hook the waistband and pull it forward.

There it was.

Before me I saw the Fruit of the Loom guys looking up at me with tears of laughter streaming down their collective faces.  My underwear was on backwards!

 

The day was saved, the bladder crisis was averted and the face began to tense up as it always does just before a smile breaks out and covers my features.

 

Sometimes I crack myself up.  *Snicker

 

On the way out the door I heard the rumbling of someone starting a Harley in one of the stalls down the way and thought to myself, “Merlin’s beard! …

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If you believe this statement, “your pastor is more important than you are,” then you might be a cult member.

If you believe,the most important thing that goes on in church is preaching,” then you might be a cult member.

If you, “Teach your child that there is nothing more important in the world than a church service.” then you might be a cult member.

If you believe in order to please God : “You should also have a level of dress that is above your everyday fare. If you just said, “I don’t dress up for anybody”you have a serious pride problem. You think you’re too wonderful to have to humble yourself and admit that there could actually be someone in existence that is above you socially. There is! His name is “the LORD.” You should “put on your best” to go to church. 

And:

Men: wear a dress shirt and tie. That’s right, a tie, even if it’s just a clip-on. God is more important than you! Dress up for Him.

And:

Ladies: I don’t care if you think you have to dress like “Rosie-the-Riveter” during the week just to show how liberated you are, wear a dress to church. Why? Because even the God-hating world knows that a woman wears a dress when she dresses up.…

Then you might be a cult member.

If you believe this statement to be true: “The truth is that you just don’t think God is important enough to spend money on clothes for Him. But when your child is sick you’ll run right to Him and almost demand He jump up and fix him up. You’re special. God isn’t.Then you might be a cult member. 

 

Two words:  BULL GIPP

Folks take note “This is the very definition of a Fundamental Evangelist.” This is a successful evangelist because his agenda is to set the people straight on “How to behave in Church” and he exalts the so-called M-O-g to just one step shy of god-hood. This is what those so called “Pastors” want to hear preached to their people by the visiting Evangelist.

Bull Gipp knows how to manipulate the mere sheep in the pews so that they properly reverence their local deity. This cult activity is is built on the premise, “How can you worship god correctly if you don’t worship the man-o-gawd correctly?”  Notice the works sanctification that he preaches.  Notice the heritical, you have to be right with God in order for Him to Love you and Bless you.  It’s not who we are “in Christ” but what we do “for Christ” that justifies and sanctifies us according to Bull Gipp.

This is a perfect example of “Elmer Gantry-ism.”

And the sheeple have been so numbed by such poison as this, that they take it in and count themselves blessed to be in the presence of such annointed preaching and called™ men-o-gawd.  And all the mere pew dwellers said? …  B-U-L-L-L GIPP!

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Marjoe dissects the business of Churchianity

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This one by far describes American Churchianity across all denominational lines… especially here in the south.

Pay special attention to the crew instructions beginning at 6:50.

Check out the shout out to    Hyles Help for Halitosis      at 8:58

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