Posted in gobbledygook, Just Thinking, life, Livable philosophy, pudder, Shadows, Thinking, Time and effort, Toxic Faith, Uncategorized, Worldviews, tagged acceptance, aging, attitude, lack of planning, self, time on Wednesday, January 25, 2017|
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I just did, I had a freaking crap storm of them.
It just dawned on me that in my youth I never expected to live to see my 35th Birthday so I never planned on anything after that. Nothing.
No financial plan, no career plan, no retirement plan. Just work until I die… so, according to my original calculations I should have not made it to 35. Then my adjusted calculations said I’d never make 45 since my dad died at 44. Yeah, that came and went as well. The final calculations begin this year when I hit 54, the same as as my Grandfather when he died. (and please, nobody give me the whole “it’s in God’s hands” spiel. I know it as well as anyone because I’m still freaking here)
Yep, here I am. Here I am…indeed.
Funny how life doesn’t go according to plan eh?
Epiphany #2 is this: If things are never going to change.. why waste the effort in attempting to make a change? (and please spare me the the self-help, self actualizing crap about, “Only YOU can prevent forest fires” philosophy. Nope, don’t believe that any longer either.)
Time is not on my side, there is more behind me now than there is in front of me, and all the best is in the rear view. There may be some good days here and there in what’s ahead but, it will be neither quantity nor quality and that’s just the facts. That’s not pity talking, it is reality. And that was Epiphany #3.
So, here’s to the days ahead. I know not what they bring. I’ll face them one at a time, and make the most of what is left, with what I have left. A job (yeah ,yeah, yeah… I’m thankful for it… but I hate it) that sucks the joy out of me. A neglected body that will probably never recover from the damage done to this point. And an attitude (and PLEASE don’t lecture me about attitude and how I can change it! I’ve lived with it this long so I’m f-ing comfortable with it.) I tried to reprogram for the past four years and I’m just tired of trying. Life’s too short to eat crab legs… too much effort and not enough reward. Just do what is comfortable and hope for the best.
And that’s it for now. I’m just weary, bone freaking weary.
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Posted in Just Thinking, life, Livable philosophy, Questions, Shadows, Sound and Fury, Thinking, Time and effort, tagged image on Monday, October 10, 2016|
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My story would begin in darkness though not total darkness but not romantic moonlit darkness either. It would be more the darkness that accompanies a storm. The kind that diffuses the the light and casts strange shadows across the land. The kind that causes the street lamps to come on at mid-day.
I stand at the gate looking out at the road that lies before me, uncertain which direction to go from here. Do I open the gate and step through? Or do I run back to the porch and ride out the storm in the relative comfort of the crumbling structure I am seeking to escape? Do I stay until the bitter end?
I stand at the gate and look back. Indecision has me paralyzed and the storm is increasing in intensity. I feel the wind at my back and it causes me to shiver. I adjust my collar and huddle down to make myself a smaller target for the chill breeze and once again turn to look at the road before me just a step beyond the gate.
I stand at the gate and my eyes search for any sign of direction. Off in the distance I see rays of sunlight that quickly retreat into shadow as I watch, teasing me with hope that is transient and elusive. I’m too old to go chasing after “maybes” and “what-ifs.” I need a sure thing. Yet I realize how unreasonable and unrealistic that standard is. There are no “sure things” and to make that a requirement will only keep me paralyzed with indecision.
I stand at the gate…
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