Archive for October 31st, 2020

The Unexamined/Unlived life

who wants to live forever?

… especially if the life was never truly lived

If life was only a dreary existence in a tedious job, bereft of passion and imagination… Would it really be worth living?

And yet..

Here I am.

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Re-begin the Beguine

A lesson in failure and just how much misery one is willing to accept and tolerate. The fact that I never followed through on this post is testament to the amount of failure I am willing to endure. I never really understood the phrase, “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink” until now. The horse has to want it. And until you want it you won’t do it, and you won’t want it until it becomes priority. Quite the commentary on my priorities isn’t it?

I have been loath to write this particular blog as it highlights the fact that I failed the first time.

One thing about life is that it’s always in flux, always changing, never really settled. Sometimes I feel that life is a series of attempts at nailing Jell-O to the wall. Case in point, my battle with the bulge.  7 years ago (8 now) almost to the day I started a fitness routine and I was very motivated. I worked very hard at it and I’d lost almost 80 lbs but… I then I ended up losing the battle, I lost my motivation.. I lost my will… I lost. And in losing I gained everything bad back and then some.

7 years ago I started off at 322 lbs, it was bad… really bad, I had let myself go and I really didn’t realize in how bad of shape I was. I vowed that I would never let myself go there again… It’s amazing how well we lie to ourselves.  We tell ourselves we will, or we won’t do something and then turn around and do the very thing that we vowed we wouldn’t.  Today, I weigh in at 342.5 lbs.

Somewhere along the journey I fell into self-sabotage. I remember reading about self-sabotage, somebody said that self sabotage takes place because there’s some some conflict, some issue in our lives that is causing us pain or suffering and we know that we should do something about it but we don’t therefore we react at a subconscious level, sabotaging ourselves in other areas of our life. An intriguing idea to be sure. But, no matter why,  I had begun a serious campaign of self-sabotage against my efforts to lose weight and get in shape. It killed my motivation and eventually, as with most things in my life, I quit… again.

I’m not saying this to necessarily beat myself up over it, it’s just stating facts.

So, why do we do the things that we do? I believe that we act out of either a great desire to make a change, or fear, or we just become so miserable that we I have no other option. I would like to think that I am acting out of a deep desire to become healthy and and get in shape, but the reality is this time around it’s the misery Factor. I have become so miserable in my own body that I’ve got to do something.

The thing about losing weight and getting in shape is that it’s never done. It’s a doing that will never be done because when you stop doing then you’re done.

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John Donne said “No man is an island.”
I submit we have become just that, individual islands.
We are not self sustaining islands but islands nonetheless. More and more we insulate and isolate ourselves. The more we detach from others, the more we see others as a threat at worst, an inconvenience at least. The farther we draw away the easier it becomes to shut others out. It’s a spiral.
It’s a designed spiral.

The less we are around people the easier it is to dehumanize them. Once we start down that path we are lost. And I fear that in America these days we are a long way down that path already.

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