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Archive for July, 2013

Again if your sensibilities are easily offended then you may pass on this one.

 

You have been warned.

 

 

 

So it began:

 

Got up this am and took my shower, and there were no problems with the shampoo bottle or anything this morning.  Dressed and went to church.  After church we went out to eat.  Since I missed breakfast before church, due to taking a shower,  We had brunch at Golden Corral.  Loaded up on proteins and had a few carbs (should have skipped the carbs altogether but oh well.)  The highlight of breakfast was the elixir of life, that warm, brown/black, life-giving substance commonly referred to as “Coffee.”    I wanted the waiter to leave the pot but alas, to no avail.

 

After Brunch we went to the movies.  Despicable Me 2 was today’s entertainment du jour.

Upon arriving my bladder signaled the brain that it was time to pay the rent on the coffee consumed earlier.  The brain acknowledged the bladder signal and directed the legs to the nearest public facilities for relief.

 

As the legs brought the body nearer to its destination hanging on the wall, the brain lines the body up to execute the now, more urgent evacuation.  All hands were on deck busy with the mission of bladder relief and assisting in freeing the evacuation unit.  The outer layers were successfully breached with only the inner layer left.  This is where things began to go wrong.

 

The bladder has now signaled it is at DEFCON 3 and is declaring an emergency evacuation while the hands are feverishly searching for the opening that will release the emergency flow device.  They search left, they feel around to the right, all to no avail.  The opening is not to be found.  The brain is in a frenzy to answer the bladder’s now insistent calls for evacuation.  The brain even began searching archives for secret passwords that open magically hidden doors.  The Doors to Moria came to mind….

What was the riddle?

“…speak friend and enter”  or in this case “exit.”

“Ok, Friend where are you?  Oh F-r-i-e-n-d?

Wait what is the Elvish word for friend…. Oh yeah…. “Bel-ach”

The bladder is going to DEFCON 4 and we are in a full blown crisis!

How about, “Open Sesame”?  No?

“Open Sez me?” No?

 

Slowly a thought germinates in the back of my mind.  Growing quickly it blossoms into an idea!

Could it be?

Could it be that simple?

 

The hands stop their frantic searching and swiftly move to the waistband.  Upon arriving they hook the waistband and pull it forward.

There it was.

Before me I saw the Fruit of the Loom guys looking up at me with tears of laughter streaming down their collective faces.  My underwear was on backwards!

 

The day was saved, the bladder crisis was averted and the face began to tense up as it always does just before a smile breaks out and covers my features.

 

Sometimes I crack myself up.  *Snicker

 

On the way out the door I heard the rumbling of someone starting a Harley in one of the stalls down the way and thought to myself, “Merlin’s beard! …

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Ok, if your sensibilities are easily offended, if you can’t handle too much information, then move along. This will be your only warning!

You have been warned!

There is something about the ceramic tiles in a shower area that give a special resonance to sound in there. Now, couple that with a warped sense of humor and the results are … well, here’s what happened:

Tonight after my workout at the “Y” I did my usual 10-12 minutes in the steam room just to iron out the wrinkles. Along with those wrinkles there has been an increase in watching my diet, which helps with the over-all reason I am working out at the “Y” and that is to lose weight and get in shape. I have been watching my calorie intake and trying to eat healthy: Fruits, grains, fiber, nuts, proteins and cutting back on the carbs. You’ll notice I mentioned “fiber.” Maybe I had a little extra fiber today which would account for what happened.

After the steam room it’s part of my routine to take a shower. So I shuffle into the shower stall and get started. Everything is going well until I drop my shampoo bottle. As I bend over to retrieve the shampoo… there is a rumbling, a disturbance in the force, which erupts with the sound of a thousand throaty Harley-Davidsons. The resonance effect in the shower area acts as an echo chamber, which serves to amplify the event. It went on for what seemed to be several minutes. When the last roll of thunder finally died away the room became silent.

I listened.

And I waited…

only to realize,

I…

was…

a-lone.

Standing there with the water running over me and shampoo slowly making its way over my wrinkled brow to pour into my eyes, the thought popped in my head, “All that …for nothing.” I was disappointed that no one was there to share such an Epic event with. No snickers, no guffaws, not even an O-M-g. Then it came to me in a flash. A grin began to form at the corner of my mouth and quickly spread over my face as I said to myself,

Merlin’s Beard! As I live and breathe, it’s Hairy Pharter!”

Sometimes I crack myself up! Bwahahahahahahaahahahahaha!

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