Archive for October, 2009

Momma called the doctor and the Doctor said…

“No, OZ never did give nothin’ to the Tin Man, that he didn’t, didn’t already have.”

Much like the Tin Man they found today that I do actually have a heart.  It’s right where it is supposed to be and is doing all the things it is supposed to do.  So I’m wondering if maybe I’m actually the Scarecrow, “If I only had a brain?”  Cause the thoughts that I’d be thinkin’ while-a drivin’ in ma’ Lincoln if I only had a brain… or the winning Power Ball lottery ticket from this week.

They “STILL” don’t know why my legs look like Charlie Brown’s Macy’s Day Parade balloon legs.  At this point I would consider taking a stick pin to them but what happens if they take off like a balloon.  I can see me bouncing off the walls, ceiling, taking a few laps around the ceiling fan and sputtering to a halt on the piano.  I can hear my daughter Elizabeth now, “Do it again Daddy, do it again!” 


          Technology is wonderful; I got to watch my heart in action today, amazing.  Well, I mean, I didn’t actually see my heart (that would have been messy) but I saw an image of my heart.  You know, a sonogram, just like they do with babies.  And yes, I did have her check and no, I am not pregnant… (it just looks like I am) thank you very much.  I tried to get her to make me an audio recording of that rhythm, it sounded just like conga line music… bum bum   bum bum   bum   ba!  bum bum   bum bum   bum   ba!  Wait, scratch that, I can’t dance, I’m Baptist. (And possibly a little too nerdy)


So why did you email me?  What do you want?  Come on chop, chop I haven’t got all morning.  Hummm?  What’s that?  Oh!  Yea, I’m emailing you aren’t I?   


Ok, one more thing and I’ll be done. (yep, I’m Baptist alright) When they were taking all my information they have one of those talking scales and all it said was “Uncle! Uncle!”  But my weight was normal… for someone 7’ 1” tall.  Then came the questions: 


“Do you smoke?”


“Do you drink?”

         “Is this a trick question?

“I mean do you drink alcoholic beverages?”


“Do you take drugs, illegal drugs?


“Do you exercise?”

       “No, I kicked the habit years ago.”

“And it shows.”

       “Thank you for noticing.”

“Hard not to, twins?

       “Why yes, a boy and a girl.”

“How far along?

       “Thirteen years, almost fourteen.”

“That long?  I wouldn’t have guessed more than the second trimester.”

       “Oh you mean that!”

“Yea! that!”

       “I’m rather attached to that, it may not be fly but it is phat!” 

(I think I impressed her with my knowledge of pop culture terms and Ebonics.  But then again I also left an impression on the chair in which I was sitting.”uncle! uncle!”)


Say Goodnight Gracie,

“Goodnight Mrs. Calabash where ever you are!”

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